Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic altar boys can now serve the Lord and assist with Mass without the shame or fear of tempting otherwise pious clergymen,” a joint statement by senior Vatican officials read in part, explaining that the full-coverage metal loin-girdings are available to fit all sizes and ranges of youth’s suppleness and are guaranteed to spurn the fingers of any priest who attempts to violate its boundaries.
https://www.theonion.com/catholic-church-releases-new-molestation-proof-altar-bo-1829275247
https://www.theonion.com/catholic-church-releases-new-molestation-proof-altar-bo-1829275247
